Being a mom with Panic Disorder
Being a mom with panic disorder, being anyone with a panic disorder makes everyday life a little tougher.
This is a sensitive topic for anyone really, and I don’t USUALLY openly share such a diagnosis - but here we are for the internet to see.
I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder about 4 years ago now, and its something that came out of the blue for me. Before 4 years ago, I had never had a panic attack and I was really a live in the moment and seize every opportunity thrown at you kind of girl.
To give you some background, I nearly switched colleges 2 years in to move to a random city in Tennessee so I could maintain college classes while opening a new large retail store for a company I was working for at the time. I also took a job for the same company after graduating college early, in a state I had never stepped foot into, knowing zero people and finding a roommate through a grocery store clerk. This was the type of person I was, I flew by the seat of my pants, I traveled on whims, I took jobs and changed my mind every other day and I was impulsive as hell.
So what changed?
Honestly, I have no idea.
I think I pushed everything, feelings, stress, not taking care of myself, life into a bottomless pit that I usually could manage very well by ignoring and shoving things deeper, and I did that until my body said, were done.
It was on a trip to Alaska (planned in 2 days by the way- flying by the seat of my pants), I bought 2 airline tickets on a red eye flight with a 6 hour layover in Anchorage to a remote hot spring in the middle of Fairbanks, Alaska. I did no research on the matter, just found a hot spring destination where you could see the northern lights and off we went one weekend.
The lack of sleep, mixed with being in an unfamiliar place, and surprise it was the middle of May, and remember I didn’t do my homework- this time in Alaska is the time of the “Midnight Sun”. Meaning, there is no darkness, just a mild twilight. With no internet, no blackout curtains and midnight sun… I broke my brain.
I woke up from a nap next to my then, Fiance (now husband) and looked at the clock, it was midnight but it was bright outside, I was confused, I rolled over and in what I think was a pure state of confusion and shock I all of the sudden didn’t recognize my own fiance. I jumped out of bed, went to the corner of the room sat on the floor and was in my first full blown panic attack.
There are a lot of details that follow this, but the panic attack lasted SEVERAL hours, and rolled into days. I had never been more relieved than to get on a plane, direct flight back to Seattle. The panic attacks didn’t stop after this, I still struggle but after 4 years of the daily struggle, things are getting easier to recognize.
When I got pregnant with my son, I stopped all medication for my anxiety, and miraculously I went my entire pregnancy with only 2 panic attacks. I felt normal again, but as most moms already know, the hormone game after pregnancy is a real f*cker.
I struggled a lot after my son was born, and after 4 months I went back on medication that was safe while breastfeeding.
I tend to live in almost manic states, I pile a lot on myself at one time, and sometimes I thrive in chaos. I had my son, was struggling, went into fight or flight mode and gave my husband no other option but to sell our house, and move about 80 miles away back to a town near where I grew up.
Did i mention that it was moving in with my parents until our new house was finished being built?
Ya’ll, this might sound crazy to you, but this is coming from the girl who also got married, moved the day after her wedding 80 miles away to a town I never even stepped foot into, bought a new car, got a new puppy, took a new job and then got pregnant 6 months later…. CHAOS.
I seek it.
Being a mom with this diagnosis has been hard, I struggle but I have to push through my attacks faster than I normally would have to process them. I have a son, who needs me for every aspect of his life right now, which is scary as hell but also incredibly motivating.
I definitely have my moments, ones where I have to call in every lifeline I have (husband, parents, siblings, friends, etc) and I need to talk it out with all of those people. These attacks last hours, they roll so to speak.
As soon as I am about to bring myself out, my brain turns on me and tells me were not done processing and I roll into the next attack. Its exhausting, for everyone that is involved.
Now when I find myself starting to feel all the signs and symptoms, I tag my husband in to take care of our son. I use the tools I have learned to help semi-cope (i’m still not good at this part), but education has helped me a lot.
Knowing the WHY behind the panic attack, what triggered it, and then talking it through with someone every step of the way. It gets me out of the spiral, and into more education on the subject, making it less terrifying for me personally.
Now you are probably asking yourself, amanda, why are you sharing this all over the internet?
Well, because i have run into friends, other moms, random people on social media that struggle with this same thing everyday.
social media can be great, but it can also make you think a person has every aspect of their life together,
- the perfect life. its simply not true.
And if i can share that i struggle with this, maybe, just maybe i can help or be of help to someone out there also in the same situation.
Being a mom is hard, being human is hard - hell 2020 is a freaking dumpster fire as it is, on top of all our own personal things happening.
So, this is a reminder that there are people just like you in this world. not everything or everyone is perfect. and you are doing your best - and that’s enough.
xoxo- AG